Full Title: Ways to Tell They’re Not ‘The One’ on the First Date, Enter a Longterm Relationship and Be Surprised When it ‘Doesn’t Work Out’
For female, male, transgender, intersex, non-binary… Any garden variety person
*More kindly, hopeful and constructive inclusions in these cynical appraisals of common human dynamics are ideas held within:
- Bold text highlights alternative things to think about.
- Most hyperlinks redirect to informative content exploring alternative concepts.
What You Can Do
1. Agree with your friends
When they brush off your scepticism by saying, ‘They were just trying to impress you! They just feel uncomfortable with family stuff’.
2. Ignore your feelings of boredom and being overlooked
- Rationalise those feelings by telling yourself that impressing someone whilst ignoring their input is, ‘Okay, doesn’t make them a bad person’.
- Fail to consider that them not being a ‘bad’ person doesn’t negate this being inadequate for your sense of feeling valued.
3. Remind yourself that they are in fact impressive
They take holidays and own a car.
4. DO NOT introspect any further past your feeling of being flattered
Do not wonder whether ‘cute’ and ‘so nice’ are adjectives which are unique to what you’re showing them as a person or simply generic, socially standard compliments. Just put your mind back under that invisibility cloak, and never contemplate what this impulse may suggest about a need to keep developing your self-esteem.
5. Intuitively lure them into a long-term relationship
REMEMBER, expressing your feelings makes you look like the type of person who has feelings which you are.
6. 18 months later
When they’re spending more quality time with their selfies than you and they can’t describe what you do for a living, be genuinely confused, surprised and bewildered and say such classic Rom-Com phrases as:
7. Have reactive, circular arguments in which:
- YOU react with angry expressiveness because you’ve voluntarily sacrificed being heard so consistently that you now seek your needs with the destructive force of an ebola outbreak.
- THEY react with avoidance because that awkwardness about your grandma? That was just symptomatic of their pre-exisiting fear of personal issues, driven by lack of skill in emotional awareness and communication.
8. NEVER, EVER look at how your respective emotional and behavioural habits work together.
Whoa! NEVER seek shared goals by asking, ‘What can we both do?’. Always use ‘YOU’ for maximum critical impact.
Your friends don’t enjoy gossip about functional conflict and will begin to find your lack of reassuring flaws and drama boring.
9. Break up
- To ensure you don’t learn anything about your own role or the cause-and-effect of human behaviour:
- Blame it on their gender.
- From your guide “101 All Time Favourite Break-up Word-fillers” you might like to say un-explanatory things like, ‘People are just different’, and, ‘Sometimes things don’t work out’.
- Blame it on their gender.
10. a) Repeat cycle.
With an altruistic charity worker vegan who’s ‘different’ and ‘cares’. Who, on the first date:
- Lists all of their altruistic accomplishments in a 30 minute monologue;
- Instructs you on your moral obligation to wear vegan grass shoes despite you stating that it’s not your personal life choice but you respect theirs;
- Undermines your proud job moments by comparing them to eradicating world hunger instead of asking, “What does your job mean to you?”.
But, they do noun-ify you ‘an’ erudite. You don’t know what that word means, but it sounds smart and this one really gets you.
10. b) OR, marry them! Your wedding photo selfies will look great on your Instagram.
Non-satirical, constructive Brain Embryo resources:
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